Crossing over.

I had several opportunities to reflect on my past this week.

I have taken part of a research study by a local university since 2003. They started interviewing me yearly, then the gap in between interviews grew over time. They ask questions about anything from my lifestyle to why I made the choices I did. They called me this week and I spent two hours on the phone, reflecting on the past 5 years of my life, since my last interview.

When are we asked to recount the last 5 years of our life and to explain our decision making?

It made me think about my future self, what story do I want to tell? That question really helps you pause before making decisions. A more frightening thought, when I lift my head to face the Lord at the end of my life, what will I have to say for myself then?

During my interview, I was asked to share the big decisions I had made over the past 5 years, what motivated or influenced those decisions. It was really eye opening.

Later in the week I was asked, “Before Christ, how did you spend your life, what did you live for?” Another opportunity to really reflect and ask myself some challenging questions. I realized the answer to that was pleasure and self-absorption. Yikes.

During my 20s I was focused on exercise, running, weight lifting. Yes, I wanted to be healthy but if I am really honest with myself, I was trying to control the way I looked. I was worried about what other people thought of me. I wanted male attention. I wanted to feel good about myself and thought that was the avenue to do it. I was focused on accomplishments, wanting to get the highest degree and licensure I could, work my way up in my career. If I am honest with myself, why did I do that? I was trying to prove my worth and my value. I overworked. I worked to travel, to shop, to spend money on things or experiences that brought me pleasure.

What I find the most interesting about my 20s is that from the world’s standards, I had a good life, filled with good things. In reality I was disconnected from myself, didn’t know who I was, I was lonely, I was hungry for acceptance and approval.

During my interview, I was asked why I would quit my stable, secure, good paying job in the middle of COVID, to try to start my own business. I told her I was taking a step of faith. I reflected on that week when I quit, how scared I was but also the peace I had in the decision. That was during a season of my life when my world turned upside down. It was the first time I felt like I truly gave up control, surrendered everything and it was the freest I had felt in my life up until that point.

It’s strange to experience fear, uncertainty, peace and freedom all at the same time. I trusted God. I knew He had good plans for me. When I finally stopped trying to control the direction of my life, opportunities came to me and the things I needed, He provided.

It was in the shedding of my old skin that I experienced newness. The losing of my life to gain life. It is so difficult to let go of the comforts, conveniences, habits and lifestyle you’ve always known to be curious about what would happen if you did. It makes me think of the Israelites walking through the wilderness, wanting to return to Egypt, the slavery they were just freed from. They wanted to go back to what they knew because it was comfortable and predictable. The uncertainty of what’s ahead if you leave the life of bondage can be paralyzing.

“Then the whole community of Israelites began complaining again. They complained to Moses and Aaron in the desert. They said, “It would have been better if the Lord had just killed us in the land of Egypt. At least there we had plenty to eat. We had all the food we needed. But now you have brought us out here into this desert to make us all die from hunger.”

Exodus 16:2-3

“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Matthew 10:39

I remember a vision I had during that time of my life. I was standing on the beach, in front of where Moses had split the Red Sea. The path was laid out in front of me, but I just paced the beach, too scared to cross. I remember worrying that if I followed the path, that the walls of the sea wouldn’t stay up, but would crash around me and I would drown. I didn’t believe it was safe.

I don’t know how much time had passed before I had a second vision of me crossing over. I remember I was care-free, joyful and playful as I walked on the sea floor, playfully running my fingers through the wall of the sea beside me. I was humming and skipping, smiling looking up at the sun beating down on my face. That’s the Kristen I would like to always be. Trusting, joyful and embracing the unknown.

God wants us to enjoy a life of joy and freedom. Today what joy looks like is helping those in need, focusing on serving others and abiding. This is the upside-down kingdom of God. It is a kingdom where the “last will be first, and the first last” (Matthew 20:16). A kingdom where it is the humble who inherit the earth (Matthew 5:5) and the rich who are sent away empty (Luke 1:53).